What did Bonnie say to Chica?
"Go kill yourself, dumbass bitch."
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish stand?
"Hello Ladies!"
A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.
The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."
The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."
The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.
A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.
The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"
If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"
What did the titanic say as it was sinking?
I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
They say give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. What about women? They don't have dicks.
What do you say to a depressed person on the ceiling?
Hang in there!
Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."
What did the north tower say to the south tower during the summer? Get ready for fall!
Michael Jackson broke his window. What does he say? "I can't see."
