Say jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

What did the octopus say to the other? "Let’s hold hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands."

How do you know that a woman is about to say something smart?

She starts the sentence with ‘a man once said.’

If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.

A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"

What did the titanic say as it was sinking?

I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.

They say give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. What about women? They don't have dicks.

Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."

What do you say to a depressed person on the ceiling?

Hang in there!

They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!

What did the person say to the orphan?

"Where are your parents?"