Say jokes

What did one ghost say to the other?

"Get a life!"

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay.

He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

Why did the Carthaginian say Rome lost the war?

Because they were just roman around.

So a cupcake walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says to himself, "Damn, this is some good shit."

I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!

A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank, has jotted that down on his notebook, he says, "Oh, I see."

They say they found water on Mars. Mars 1, Africa 0.

What happened to the chicken after he died? He did not say anything, so I don't know.

A man is out west driving and on the edge of town comes across a tourist stand and sitting in front is an Indian chief right out of central casting. Dour look, full headdress, a glass jar and a sign that says "Indian chief know all! $5". So the fellow's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the chief, puts $5 in the jar and asks "What did I have for breakfast on this day 10 years ago?" Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Hmmm eggs. You had eggs!"

"Eggs?" shouts the guy "Everybody has eggs! I've been had!" throws his hands in the air and leaves in a huff.

Ten years on, as fate would have it the fellow has occasion to be driving through the same town and sure enough he comes across the same stand, Indian chief, sign, and jar. So he stops the car and saunters across the road, goes up to the chief like a smart-ass, holds up his hand and says "How". Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Poached."

What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?

"Here Comes The Airplane!"

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?!"

Why does Stephen Hawking always say he's got so many bitches?

Because he is never around Siri.

What's one way to drain someone's ego?

Hand them a mirror, and say they should see how ugly they turned out in life.

Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.

What did the tree say to his sister? Wood you please leaf me alone, you son of a birch?

I think the local nudist campground just went out of business.

The sign on their gate says:

"Clothed Until Further Notice."

What did the swearing hen say?

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" (It's cluck.)

What did the cussing rooster say?

"Cock-a-doodle-doo, phew!"

What did the duck say to the drug dealer?

Gimme some of that quack!

What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"