Say jokes
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stephen.
Can't you read? It says "No Hawking."
Say all the planets: Mars, Saturn, Uranus.
There are 3 men: an American, a French, and an Italian who have to take a trip and take the plane.
The American puts his hand out the window and says: "We are in America, I touched the Statue of Liberty." The French says: "We are in France, I touched the Eiffel Tower." The Italian says: "We are in Italy, I touched the garbage!"
What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.
Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?
Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.
What does it say on Stephen Hawking's headstone?
R. I. P. Roll in Peace.
They say Jesus walked on water.
That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
Why can you say "Kobe" even though you missed?
Because he didn't land either.
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!
What did Stephen Hawking say when he rode a bike?
"Hey look...no hands...or legs!"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Steven.
Can't you read? It says, "No Hawking."
I went home and I saw my friend kissing my sister. I said, "What’s going on?" They both told me that they’re going out with each other. I said, "Alright."
The next morning, I see my friend kissing my mom. I said, "What’s going here?" They both told me they’re going out with each other. Then my friend said to me, "I gave you 3 gifts. 1 gift, I’m your best friend. 2 gift, I’m your new brother-in-law. 3 gift, I’m your new stepfather." I felt so happy I had a friend that [is] looking out for me.
Could never understand why people would say Stephen Hawking is a dead man walking.
On one hand he was fantastic and the other a spastic. You could say he was a fantastic spastic.
I would like to say Hitler gave two fucks about his people.
But quite Anne frankly, I'd be lying.
What does a polite mouse say?
"Cheese and thank you."
The smartest kid in my class says "is-land" instead of "island."
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."
How do rapists justify murdering a young innocent human being?
Same way as pro-aborts, by saying "My body, my choice!"