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What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap? "Just beat it, just beat it."

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    • It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.

    He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."

    But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"

    Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."

    Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"

    (Santa winks at you)

    So there is someone who doesn't know what an armadillo is.

    He then sees one. He asks it a question, "What are you?"

    The armadillo replies, "Armadillo."

    The person says: "What's a dilo?"

    A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.

    One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son. Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes, it is,” the man replies. “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies. “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies, after considering the position he was in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats. “That’s awful expensive,” but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

    The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off. “Yes, it is,” replies the man. “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.

    The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

    At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Don’t you start that crap in here,” the priest says.

    Saying a Kobe joke after he died tends to ignite a fire in the people you say it to.

    Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted!

    Say what you want about Hitler, at least he got the trains to run on time.

    Some say under his helmet is another smaller helmet, and under that is another helmet, and under that is a poster of Miley Cyrus.

    Two muffins are in an oven.

    One says, "Man, it is hot in here!"

    The other one says, "OMG, a talking muffin!"

    There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:

    "I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."

    Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"

    The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

    You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."