The teacher is asking you a question.
Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"
Me: "Dead."
Joe Biden's speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.
Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?
Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
What type of people think rape jokes are funny?
Only the coolest people in the world! I fucking love you guys 😂
Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"
Woman: "Why, because you're loving it?"
Man: "No, because it's fat and greasy."
So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?
People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."
What is a cup called when they show a ton of emotions?
Answer: Expresso! (KILL MEH)
I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"
Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
