Sarcasm jokes

The fat kid asked the teacher, "Is Godzilla real?" The teacher said, "They're standing right in front of me."

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

I see a kid crying in the park, right? So I go up to him and say, "Hey, where are your parents?" and he says, "Well, my dad left to get the milk and never came back, and my mother died in a plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle."

James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."

You know what I hate about rape?

Keeping it a secret.

Wanna hear a mean joke?

My life.

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

Mom, am I adopted?

What? No. "In head" No, dah, bitch.

What's one advantage of being an orphan?

Nobody can make mama jokes about you. 🌚

On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."

The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.

I would build you a monument so that you would finally come up with clever thoughts.

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

An orphan goes up to someone. The guy says, "Where are your parents?"

The orphan says, "Why do you think I'm wearing ripped pyjamas?"

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily. You found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks. Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world? (Ah-ah-ah-ah) And good for you, I guess that you've been workin' on yourself. I guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped. Now you can be a better man for your brand new girl. Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.

Well, good for you, I guess you're gettin' everything you want (ah). You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off (ah). It's like we never even happened. Baby, what the fuck is up with that? (Ha) And good for you, it's like you never even met me. Remember when you swore to God I was the only Person who ever got you? Well, screw that and screw you. You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do. Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.

Ah-ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah-ah Maybe I'm too emotional But your apathy's like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Maybe I'm too emotional Your apathy is like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. Like a damn sociopath. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily.

Her: "Land of the free".

Me: *fat*

Her: What do you mean?

Me: It's not fat-free.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You’re not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I don’t," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don’t care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.