Said jokes

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

Yo mama so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," He was just asking her to move.

Your hairline is so big, Niagara Falls said, "Oh, looks like we've got some competition!"

I was walking past an orphan and I said, "Just go home."

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"

Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"

I walked past an orphanage, the orphans started to call me names, and I said, "At least I have a family!"

Little Johnny was late to class. The teacher asked him where he was. Little Johnny said, "I was on top of Marry Hill." Then a kid comes late to class and also said he was on Marry Hill. Then a little girl that's about 4 or 5 comes in. The teacher asks, "Who are you?" She said, "I'M MARRY HILL!"

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"

"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"

I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬

When Kobe's pilot hit the mountain, he said, "Kobe."

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.