Said jokes

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"

"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."

Little Johnny was late to class. The teacher asked him where he was. Little Johnny said, "I was on top of Marry Hill." Then a kid comes late to class and also said he was on Marry Hill. Then a little girl that's about 4 or 5 comes in. The teacher asks, "Who are you?" She said, "I'M MARRY HILL!"

I walked past an orphanage, the orphans started to call me names, and I said, "At least I have a family!"

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"

Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

When Kobe's pilot hit the mountain, he said, "Kobe."

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬

Someone at my school the other day said that whoever killed Hitler was a hero. Who's going to tell him?

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

I asked my orphan friend to come to my house. He said he was confused because he didn't know what that is.

Why am I so fat? When I was younger my mother said I should be the bigger person.

Your momma is so stupid, when someone said it’s chilly outside, she brought a spoon and bowl.

Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?

Because it said, "Focus."

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

I was walking past an orphan and I said, "Just go home."

Your hairline is so big, Niagara Falls said, "Oh, looks like we've got some competition!"

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."