Said Jokes

The Women saw a Cute lookin cop she Had pulled up right Next to him and said “Hey can i get your number” He said yea it’s “911”. And drove of

An orphan was running down the road.. a car pulled up and said "get in" so the orphan got in and said "where we going?" the kidnapper said "i'm taking you to my house" he orphan replied "OML YOUR ADOPTING ME!?"

My friend was feeling low today so I went up to her and said "You know I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life" I don't think she likes me now

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

i was watching my son play at the park and a lady asked me. "which one is yours" and for fun i said "i don't know i'm still choosing".

My wife said I have no sense of direction I said, where did that come from?

*A priest walks into a wine store*

"Do you have any 10-year-olds?" Seller: "What the f- Oh you meant 10-year-old wine." Priest: "I said what I said."

Jesus took bread and said: "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said: "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise and Peter said: "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “what ever you wish for comes true once you slide down”. One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river. The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee”!

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by god and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made. Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

When I was born the doctors said , “it’s a boy!” Then when they went to cut the embilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said , “OH, It’s a girl.”

How did the cow break up with the other cow? He said he moo-ved on

Today, I operated on a little girl, she needed O- negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O- negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “so when will I die”? she thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

Jon said:What do you call a pregnant woman? Mike said: I don’t know what? Jon said: kinder surprise

a man was in a court room, the judge said, ''what should this mans punishment be?'' a random guy ''OFF WITH HIS HEAD'' judge ''he shall give head to every man in this room'' the guy ''WAIT THATS NOT WHAT I SAID!!!''