Said jokes

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Smash or pass?

"Smash," said the iceberg.

TItanic:...

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

When Elsa said, "Let it go," you took it too seriously and let go of your hairline.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

I saw a Cuban prisoner. I asked, "Why are you running from the cops?" He said, "I'M FREE AT LAST!"

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.