Said jokes

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

If you had a dollar for every time someone said you're ugly, you'd meet someone who wouldn't say you're ugly.

A missionary went to visit an orphanage in Thailand. After looking around, he asked the manager, "Why do these kids have numbers instead of names on their shirts? And why are some of them the same?"

The manager smiled and said, "Those are price tags."

Timmy had 66 toys. He said it was "2 many (662)," so he gave them to Mr. Divide. He gave 21. Equals flip it over! It’s weird.

Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."

I dressed up as Darth Vader at an orphanage and said, "I am your father!"

There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.

She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."

Son said, "But I can't see."

Mom said, "That's the point."

This ain't a joke, but the Twin Towers said their favorite number is 911.

We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class and I said, "Man, they are really bad at Jenga!"

DARK ALERT********

A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.

DARK ALERT********

The emo kid said, "I wanna die." But the quiet kid said, "Nah, I'm gonna die myself, bye!"

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.

Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"

Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

My girlfriend said I was a ped0phi1e.

That's a big word for a 6 year old!

A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.

Two balls sit inside a bucket. One turned to another and said, "Hey man, boing, are you sentient, too?"

The other one said, "I’m sapient, you are sentient!"

BOINGZINGA!?!

What did the Mexican say when a house landed on him?

Esé said, “Get off me, homes!”