Russians jokes

Terrorist

    • A Russian, a Brit, and a terrorist are in an air balloon.

    First, the Russian says, "I dare to throw a stone down!" So he does that, but the others don't seem to be impressed. So the Brit says, "I dare to throw a brick down!" So again he does that, the Russian is impressed, but the terrorist laughs and says, "I dare to throw a bomb down!" So he does that and everybody can't believe what they have just seen. So a bit further, they land, and a shocked and afraid little boy comes running up to them. So they ask what happened, on which the little boy said, "I farted and my school exploded."

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    • Camouflage

    • A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.

    First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.

    When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.

    The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.

    "Why did you move?" the German asked.

    The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."

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    • Ad

    • Have you ever seen that weird ad that pops up at the bottom: sexy Russian babes looking for men older than 30, and they're 18, so is it a reverse pedo? Oh well.

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    • Russians memes

    Russia

    • I was in Russia at a stand-up comedy performance about someone making fun of Putin, but the jokes were awful. The execution was nice, though.

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    • War

    • A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked...

    "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"

    Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."

    "Oh, right. How's it going?"

    "Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 200,000 soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 500 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces along with our 'flag ship'."

    "Wow! What about NATO?"

    "They haven't turned up yet."

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    • President

    • A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar.

    And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

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    • Teacher

    • Once at school, a teacher thought I was Russian. Why do you think that? I said. The teacher replied, because you're reading from Right to Left.

    Russian Roulette

    • True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.

    (Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)

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    • NATO

    • Putin be like, Finland and Sweden are bullying me with NATO, the same NATO that can't even reload a gun! Russians are pussies!

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    • Soviet Union

    • An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

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    • Bathroom

    • When you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you're finished you're from Finland, what are you when you are IN the bathroom?

    European.

    Soldier

    • What do children with cancer and Russian soldiers have in common? Their life doesn't last long.

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