Russians jokes
A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.
First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.
When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.
The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.
"Why did you move?" the German asked.
The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."
Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?
Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.
Why are Russians forced to drink grizzly bear piss in Russia?
Because vodka in Russia is weak.
Q: What's the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters.
Ukrainians leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
Americans leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
A Russian, a Cuban, and an Englishman are on a ship. The Russian takes a swig of vodka and throws the bottle overboard. The Cuban and Englishman with astonishment say to the Russian, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian says, "In Russia, we got an unlimited supply of vodka."
A little while later, the Cuban lights up a cigar, takes a puff, and throws it overboard. The Cuban says, "We got an unlimited supply of Cuban Cigars in Cuba."
Then the Englishman grabs a Paki and throws him overboard...
A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
Americans leave without saying goodbye, and Russians say goodbye without leaving.
What did Donald Trump serve Justin Trudeau at the state dinner?
Poutine in traditional Russian dressing!
People claim that Trump has Russian ties. That’s not true, just some crazy conspiracy theorists. All of Trump's ties are made in China.
Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?
He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!
A friend of mine loves to play Roulette, so I decided to introduce him to Russian Roulette. It blew his mind.
In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.
Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?
People claim that Trump has Russian ties.
FAKE NEWS!
All of Trump's ties are made in China.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
Once at school, a teacher thought I was Russian. Why do you think that? I said. The teacher replied, because you're reading from Right to Left.