Russians jokes
I was in Russia at a stand-up comedy performance about someone making fun of Putin, but the jokes were awful. The execution was nice, though.
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
Russians be like: "bfddrhnnkhsaxbjk speak English!"
Q: Name a murderer?
A: Jews: Hitler. Russians: Stalin. Chinese: Mao. Americans: Bin Laden. Aborted fetus: My mom.
What's blue, red, and white and dead all over?
Trump's dead Russian mates.
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
Gather 6 friends to play Russian roulette, and one's mind will be blown away.
Have you ever seen that weird ad that pops up at the bottom: sexy Russian babes looking for men older than 30, and they're 18, so is it a reverse pedo? Oh well.
Putin be like, Finland and Sweden are bullying me with NATO, the same NATO that can't even reload a gun! Russians are pussies!
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.
A friend of mine loves to play Roulette, so I decided to introduce him to Russian Roulette. It blew his mind.
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?
He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!