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I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

  • 0

    • Friend: I got bit.

    Other friend: By what?

    Friend: A dog.

    Other friend: (Runs away and the next day you know everyone is wearing a mask and the friend gets expelled because of rabies.)

    A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.

    "Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.

    "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"

    "Good, but where's the p?"

    "Running down my leg."

  • 7

    • I was riding my bike down the road!

    When a car started coming, I started running.

    It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)

    A fly is 6 inches above water, and a fish sees it and it leaps out and gets the fly. Then a bear grabs the fish and eats it. Then a hunter shot the bear, and a mouse saw some crackers and then leaped on the cracker and ate it. Then a cat runs down to get the mouse, trips, and falls into the water, and that's the story of how six inches can get a pussy wet.

    Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

  • 2

    • Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.

    The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"

  • 3

    • They say that bad things happen to good people.

    So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

    On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.

    Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.

  • 0

    • A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

    The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

    Guess who dies next.

  • 0

    • I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

    What is the difference between lettuce and a hamburger?

    When the lettuce runs, the hamburger cries.

    Why did the chicken cross the road? It was running away from Kernel Sanders.

    Hehehe

    A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They come across an old shack with three burlap sacks. They each hop into one of them. The police come and kick the one with the brunette in it. She goes, "Mew, mew." The police say, "Oh, it's just a bag of kittens." Then they kick the one with the redhead. "Woof, woof." They think, "Oh, it's just a bag of puppies." Then they kick the one with the blonde in it. She goes, "POTATOES!!" And gets arrested.