Why do orphans never play baseball?
'Cause they can never get a home run.
Run Jokes
What's red and runs up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
"What happens when an Asian man runs into a brick wall?"
"A broken nose."
Our family is known for unusually sloppy diarrhea.
It runs in our jeans.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was "Raraaaughhaugh."
A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.
He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”
The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.
The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”
The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.
A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”
The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
Q: Why can't you run through a campground?
A: You can only ran, because it's past tents!
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
Stephen Hawking died because his wheelchair couldn’t run Windows 10.
Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You look run down." The guy says, "No, I've come on my bike!"
What's Gru's favorite Beyoncé lyric? "Who run the world... Gorls."
Yo momma is so ugly, Slenderman runs from her.
It's also why he has no eyes.
What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Do your buses run on time?
No, they run on diesel.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Running, JK rolling!
Why are Mexicans so bad in the Olympics?
Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim live in America.
Why does Mexico not have a good athletics team? Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall.
The boy ran into the gym, why?
Because he wanted to ketch-up with everyone. Also, he got pun-ishment from his "momster."
