Ride jokes

Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.

Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.

Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.

Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.

Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.

Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.

Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.

Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.

I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.

Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.

Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.

Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.

Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.

Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.

Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.

Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.

Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.

Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.

I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.

Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.

Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.

Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.

Jack quietly crawled through Jill’s bedroom window, trying not to make a single noise. She sat on her bed, her back facing him. Jack tiptoed up behind her, laid his hands on her shoulders and said, in a rather sensual tone,

“Boo.”

“Jack!” She yelled, “what are you doing here?”

Jack sat down next to her and smiled.

“I figured today was a good day to maybe go up to the hill?” He said.

“That sounds fun,” said Jill.

“C’mon, let’s go!”

The kids climbed down from Jill’s second story window. They frolicked around in the fields, hair swaying in the wind, as they neared the nearby hill. Jack took Jill’s hand, and they skipped up to the very top of the hill. They sat down on the bright green grass and giggled.

“You ready?” Asked Jack.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Jill replied with a wink.

Jack laid his hand on Jill’s chest, softly pushing her onto her back. He got down on his knees, and bent down to the bottom of her dress.

“I’ve waited a long time for this...” he whispered.

Jack slowly pulled up Jill’s dress with one hand, running the other up her thigh. His anticipation was building faster and faster. He looked her in the eyes as he slowly pulled down her panties. Once they were all the way off, he turned his head downward. His mouth opened, his eyes went wide. Jack was speechless. Before he could say anything, Jill slammed his head down, gagging him with her giant cock. She sat up as she slammed his head up and down. Jack began to feel dizzy as he gagged and coughed.

“Silly Jack, didn’t you know? I’m not Jill. I never was. My name’s Randy. You’re mine now, Jack. So sit back, enjoy the ride.” Said Randy.

Randy moved Jack’s head faster and faster as he threw his head back. It was coming, fast. All of a sudden, he stopped. Jack’s head stood still as his mouth became a fountain of white, drizzling all over Randy’s legs and onto the grass. Randy let go and Jack jumped back, spitting and trying to get it all out of his mouth. Just as the dizziness began to fade, Randy walked over. The last thing Jack saw was Randy’s fist hurtling towards him...

Shit, if somebody invades America, the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go.

We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets has become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out?

Hell, the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit, Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have Comedy Central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the United States. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.

A girl named Kariah was at a night club. She was twerking and shaking, but she was just there for fun with her friends until some guy named Jaden came up to her and started flirting with her.

Jaden: WOW Girl!

Kariah: What?

Jaden: It's just that a sexy girl like you should be having sex, not begging for sex!

Kariah: Okay, listen pimp, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you around me one bit!

Jaden grabbed her hips with such FORCE!

Jaden: Come on, let's go somewhere...private! And have a good time, a fun time!

Kariah slapped him and left the night club, telling her friends she was gone, leaving a tip for the drinks she bought.

Daina: Hey, what's wrong?

Mary: Yeah!

Greg: Sweetie...tell us.

Ariana: Come on...did someone try to touch you in a weird way?!

Kariah wanted to tell them but couldn't; it was too personal.

Kariah: Uh I have to go...it's way passed my curfew! Love you!

Kariah sighed and waited for a cab down by Heyo street. Then a cab man started dirty talking her...DIRTY!

Cab man: Hey, sexy lady! Where are you going?...need a...wow...whoohoo...dang...ride?

Kariah rolled her eyes then stuck her tongue out at the cab man. This fucking cab men said this.

Cab man: Ooooo...use that for the sex!

Kariah: I don't think so!

Cab man: ha uh ha... I see the way your looking at me I know you like me!

Kariah walks away from him and finds another cab, but the cab man did not take her mean talk and weird silents for an answer. Instead, the cab man got out of his "Cab" and harrowed around her.

Cab man: HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING!?

Kariah: TO MY KIDS AND MY HUSBAN! SO GET LOST BITCH!!!!

You see Kariah was married, she just came to be with her friends at a night club. Cab man gets close to her so she ran...she ran as fast as she could till she tripped on her high heels, once the cab man got close to her he picked her up...I think you know what he did okay I'll tell you. Cab man picked her up and took her back to the cab a.k.a taxi of course she was not gonna give up without a fight...will she gave up!

Cab man: I know ya like me! I just know it! You dressed up in a hoochie and sluty dress for nothing will wrong you LIKE ME maybe love if we get lucky!

He drove her to his house and then took off his cloths "underware included" got on top of her and "Rape was born again". Kariah did not remember a thing that night only that she was forced agianst her will too will have "S.E.X"

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

What falls and never gets hurt? Rain ☔

What does the cell ride to work?

A vesicle.

The moment came. The starter dropped his red flag. "They're away!"

Not for one second did Agba need to hunt for Lath in that flying stream of horseflesh. He did not even look for the scarlet and white stripes of the jockey's body-coat. His eyes were fixed on the littlest horse, the littlest horse that got away to a bad start!

The field was far out in front. The big horses were whipping down the steep slope to Devil's Dyke, skimming along the running gap, leaping up the opposite bank and across a long flat stretch. They were beginning to bunch, making narrow gaps. Lath was coming up from behind. He began filling in the gaps. He went through them. He was a blob of watercolor, trickling along the green turf between the other colors.

For a brief second the horses were hidden by a clump of hawthorn trees. Agba's knees tightened. He felt Sham quiver beneath him, saw white flecks of sweat come out on his neck. It was well the grooms were there to hold them both!

The horses were coming around the trees now. The golden blob was still flowing between the other colors. It was flowing beyond them, flowing free!

In full stride, Lath was galloping down the dip and up the rise to the ending post. He was flying past it, leaving the "lusty" horses behind.

"The little horse wins!"

"Lath, an easy winner!"

"Lath, son of Godolphin Arabian, wins!"

People of all ages and all ranks clapped their hands and cheered in wild notes of triumph.

Agba never knew how he and Sham reached the royal stand. But suddenly, there they were. And the Earl of Godolphin was there, too.

"I am pleased to give," Queen Caroline was saying in her sincere, straightforward manner, "I am pleased to give and bestow upon the Earl of Godolphin, the Queen's Plate."

Everyone could see it was not a plate that she held in her hands at all. It was a purse. But only Agba and the Earl knew how much that purse would mean to the future of the horse in England. The Earl looked right between the plumes in the Queen's bonnet and found Agba's eyes for an instant. Then he fell to his knees and kissed the Queen's hand.

A hush fell over the heath. The Queen's words pinged sharp and clear, like the pearls that suddenly broke from her necklace and fell upon the floor of the stand. No one stooped to recover them, for the Queen was speaking.

"And what," she asked, as she fixed one of her own purple plumes in Sham's headstall, "what is the pedigree of this proud sire of three winning horses?"

Agba leaned forward in his saddle.

There was a pause while the Earl found the right words. "Your Majesty," he spoke slowly, thoughtfully, "his pedigree has been...has been lost. But perhaps it was so intended. His pedigree is written in his sons."

How the country people cheered! An unknown stallion wearing the royal purple! It was a fairy tale come true.

The princesses clapped their hands, too. Even the King seemed pleased. He puffed out his chest and nodded to the Queen that the answer was good.

Agba swallowed. He felt a tear begin to trickle down his cheek. Quickly, before anyone noticed, he raised his hand to brush it away. His hand stopped. Why, he was growing a beard! He was a man! Suddenly his mind flew back to Morocco. My name is Agba. Ba means father. I will be a father to you, Sham, and when I am grown I will ride you before the multitudes. And they will bow before you, and you will be King of the Wind. I promise it.

He had kept his word!

For the first time in his life, he was glad he could not talk. Words would have spoiled everything. They were shells that cracked and blew away in the wind. He and Sham were alike. That was why they understood each other so deeply.

The Godolphin Arabian stood very still, his regal head lifted. An east wind was rising. He stretched out his nostrils to gather in the scent. It was laden with the fragrance of wind-flowers. Of what was he thinking? Was he re-running the race of Lath? Was he rejoicing in the royal purple? Was he drawing a wood cart in the streets of Paris? Or just winging across the grassy downs in...

1. What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?

Driving the zam-bony.

2. Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

3. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had nobody to dance with.

4. What do you call a skeleton with no friends?

Bonely.

5. What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?

A bone-zai.

6. Why can’t skeletons play church music?

Because they have no organs.

7. What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?

A numb-skull.

8. Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?

Because he didn’t have a funny bone.

9. What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?

Spare ribs.

10. How do French skeletons say hello?

“Bone-jour!”

11. What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?

A dead ringer.

12. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body.

13. What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?

“You’re dead to me.”

14. Why didn’t the skeleton play football?

His heart wasn’t in it.

15. Why did the skeleton go to jail?

Because he was bad to the bone.

16. Why did the skeleton start a fight?

Because he had a bone to pick.

17. What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?

“Will you marrow me?”

18. When does a skeleton laugh?

When someone tickles his funny bone.

19. What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?

Lazy bones.

20. Why do skeletons hate the cold?

It sends chills up their spine.

21. What do you call a skeleton snake?

A rattler.

22. How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?

He could feel it in his bones.

23. Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?

He didn’t have the stomach for it.

24. What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire too long?

He became bone dry.

25. What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?

A skelevision.

26. What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?

It came back with a skeleton crew.

27. What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?

Bone china.

28. What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?

A scare-plane.

29. What does a skeleton fly in if his scare-plane isn’t available?

A skele-copter.

30. What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?

“Bone voyage!”

31. What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?

Jawbreakers.

32. What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?

Nothing. It goes right through them.

33. Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?

Because he didn’t have the guts.

34. What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?

A trom-bone.

35. What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?

A sax-a-bone.

36. What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?

A spine-tingler.

37. Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?

Because a dog was after his bones!

38. Who is the most famous French skeleton?

Napolean Bone-aparte.

39. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?

“You suck.”

40. Who is the most famous skeleton detective?

Sherlock Bones.

41. What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?

“Looks like you are running a femur.”

42. What’s a skeleton’s favorite rock band?

The Grateful Dead.

43. What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?

Carpals.

44. What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?

Bone Jovi.

45. Why did the skeleton go to the dance?

To see the boogie man.

46. What is half the diameter of a skeletal circle?

The radius.

47. Why did the skeleton student stay late at school?

He was boning up for his exam.

48. What do bony people use to get into their homes?

A skeleton key.

49. What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?

A hip-ster.

50. What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?

Take skelfies.

51. Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?

They couldn’t pin anything on him.

52. How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?

He could see right through him.

53. What Spanish food do skeletons enjoy most?

Patella.

54. What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?

“I’m bone to be wild!”

55. Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?

To have his ghoul bladder removed.

56. What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?

A fibula.

57. What did the skeleton say to his wife?

“I love every bone in your body.”

58. What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?

Cranium operator.

59. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?

The living room.

60. How did skeletons send mail back in the olden days?

The Bony Express.

61. How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?

Skele-tons.

62. What type of art do skeletons like?

Skulltures!

63. What do skeletons complain about?

Aching bones.

64. Why do skeletons drink so much milk?

It’s good for the bones!

65. Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?

He wanted tibia star.

66. Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?

In the skelebin.

67. Why can’t skeletons fly over Area 51?

It’s a no-fly bone.

68. What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?

Elbow mac