Rest jokes

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.

If a kid does not go to sleep during nap time, isn't he resisting a rest?

Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?

- A bus full of children.

2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

- He died of a yeast infection.

3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...

- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”

4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...

- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...

- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

Who needs Singles Day when you're single for the rest of your life!

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.

The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"

Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

Your mama is so stupid she stayed up all night so she can get some sleep.

I have a cow over at my house spending the night with me because she has been out in the streets homeless and poor, so my family forced it to come and live with me at my place.

The cow asks me, "Where do I keep all the dairy items like the milk, cheese, yogurt, and meat?" I tell her, "In the refrigerator! Where do you think I keep them, on the farm with all the rest of those cows?"

That night we had to share a room and sleep in the same damn bed. Then she started getting high and drank some cow wine with titty milk, and it made her shit all over the bed.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!

Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?

Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.

I love going to sleep at night.

John F. Kennedy may rest in pieces.

What's the difference between me and the rest of America?

I love one and hate the other.