Rest jokes
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
When Trump goes to the beach, he doesn't use suntan lotion. He uses Dorito dust, and it stays on for the rest of his life.
If 4 birds are sitting on a fence and one gets shot, how many are still on the fence?
None, the rest fly away.
Why take a nap on the toilet?
Because it's a restroom.
"Let it go, LET IT GO!" Blah blah blah whatever the rest of the song says dun dun blah blah blah my mom never bothered me anyway.
I'm bored 😴 so that's why I sang in my wonderful voice for a few seconds and wasted your time.
I love going to sleep at night.
I did have a good night's sleep and a good day today, and tomorrow I have [planned] for a good night's sleep, and sleep with my...
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?
You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
If your parachute doesn't work, don't worry.
You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
Today I went to get a sub, and they asked me if I wanted all vegetables. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.
You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????
Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.
Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
How many thots have I bullied?
Three. The rest are dead.
What's the difference between me and the rest of America?
I love one and hate the other.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Goliath.
Goliath who?
I need to Goliath down and sleep!