Religion jokes

What do you call a private nun?

Nun-o-yo-business.

What do you call a burning church?

Holy smokes.

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.

Hey God, what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?

They are all locked in the Priest's basement.

God: “Steven, join us.”

*sees the staircase to heaven*

Steven: “Shit.”

Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?

"Let us prey together."

You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

What do the initials BIBLE stand for?

Bull In Book Lacking Evidence

Why do Roman Catholics always call their minister father?

because Roman Catholic men between 18-29 years old received a free anonymous blowjob inside the confessional booth at the glory hole.

I love Muslims, they are great at parties!

They have the best fireworks.

When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?

Father Les.

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

What is the difference between a priest and a doctor?

The doctor doesn't like to give physicals.

A priest walks into a wine store.

"Do you have any 10-year-olds?" Seller: "What the f- Oh, you meant 10-year-old wine." Priest: "I said what I said."

Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”