Religion jokes

All the Muslims are pissed off because 24 hours after Chuck Norris went to heaven there were no more virgins left.

What is the best Catholic dating app?

Grinder.

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

What do fat demons hate? Exorcise.

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”

What is different about priests and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to cum on your face.

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.

In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"

The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."

In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"

The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."

In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"

The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."

Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

Q: What's the difference between LeBron James and a priest?

A: The size of balls they play with.

Why did Michael Jackson like having little boys round him? He was studying for the priesthood.

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?

SpongeBob asks if you're ready first.

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

So I heard it was important to clean your sex toys, which is why priests invented baptism I guess.

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.