Religion jokes

What do fat demons hate? Exorcise.

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”

What is different about priests and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to cum on your face.

So I heard it was important to clean your sex toys, which is why priests invented baptism I guess.

Why did God invent yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

Why did Michael Jackson like having little boys round him? He was studying for the priesthood.

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?

SpongeBob asks if you're ready first.

One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.

In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"

The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."

In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"

The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."

In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"

The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."

Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.

At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.