Religion jokes

What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

Their face when you nail them!

If Satan is the devil, he's pretty sus.

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you... From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.

Why do orphans like going to church?

They can actually call someone "father."

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

These two have been great friends for over 20 years...play golf together...and meet every Tuesday at a classy bar for a glass of wine...talk about golf...good wine and spiritual matters. One day while at the bar enjoying a glass of merlot, the Rabbi raises his glass of wine and says to his long time friend.."brother, do you believe Jesus turned water into wine?"...the Priest thinks for a moment and raises his glass of wine and replies..."yes brother, I do believe Jesus turned water into wine...but don't get excited...since Jesus was Jewish, the wine was probably Manischewitz."

Q: Why doesn’t Jimmy Swaggart worry about his premature ejaculation problem?

A: He believes in the second cumming.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

Why did the priest want to learn how to play the organ?

He wanted to be able to finger A minor.

What’s the difference between a priest and target?

Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.

What do an Olympic silver medalist and a Catholic priest have in common?

A: They both come in a little behind.

What do a Catholic priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common? A: They both come in a little behind.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

If you have an Autistic child, don't worry. Put your trust in God and pray it gets kidnapped.

A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."

Jesus was being hung up on the cross, and me and all the other people at the bottom of the hill were watching. Jesus cries out,

"Peter, Peter come to me!"

So I climb up the hill on my hands and knees, and when I reach the top, the Romans cut off my arms and chuck me back down the hill.

"Peter, Peter come to me!" cries Jesus once more. I stumble up the hill, then the Romans cut my legs off and threw me back down. For the third time, Jesus cries,

"Peter, Peter come to me!". So I wriggle up the hill, and I guess the Romans pitied me and let me through.

"Look Peter, I can see my house from here!"