Relationship jokes

All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.

I feel wrong. What does this make us?

Still cousins.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

Your mum... payed other people to take you!!!!

My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.

The Golden State? More like your mum's state...

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

Hi, son.

I'm Jessica, and I really want to talk to Ashton Parkes.

Mickey: I want a divorce!

Minney: Are you fricking crazy?

Mickey: No, I'm fricking Daisy!

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

Me: And this is the room I cry in.

Date: You've said that about every room.

Me: Correct!

Me: "WYD?"

Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."

Me: "Without me? Lol"

What's a native chick say after sex?

"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"

Her: Eat my ass!

Me: Yes, chef!

Did you hear about the nurse who couldn’t swim?

She ended up under the doc[tor].

Your momma's so fat, when I went to suck her tit, I got a mouthful of knee.

Cousin: Hahaha, I am their biological parent.

Kid: So what? At least they love me more.

Hi, father, I failed the class, you mommy!

Little Johnny: Dad, why are you rubbing the horse's chest and butt?

Dad: I want to see if it's good enough to buy.

Little Johnny: I think Uncle Joe wants to buy Mom.