Relationship jokes
I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
About to go on a date.
But she was late.
So I got some tape.
And eventually punished her with rape.
What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
When your cousin dies and everybody thinks you're her.
FUCKING MENT
Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.
Roses are red, violets are fine, you'll be the 6 and I'll be the 9.
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
I don't have any friends.
If you like this, I can be your friend :)
My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.
Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d*ck reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well, no sir." And grandpa said then no, you can't.
Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said, "Let me get a hit of that," and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d*ck reach your a**?" and Johnny said no again. And then papaw was shootin' his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d*ck reached his a**, and Johnny said no.
Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d*ck reach your a**?" and papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f*ck yourself 'cause you ain't gettin' none of my ice cream!"
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Jeremy likes to kiss men. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Prince, do you love that girl Gwen more than me? Remember when you were at my house?
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mother." "Duh!"
My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.
Why do orphans have sex?
To call someone "daddy"!
Night chat. #love you forever maybe until I die! 🌸
Your mom and your dad.
I wanted to have sex, but I share a room with my brother, so we made a code. "Tomato" for faster, and "cheese" for more, and I shouted, "Tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese." My brother said, "Stop making sandwiches, you're getting mayo on my bed!"