Relationship jokes

My wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better!

I'll give you 20 dollars if you let me cum in you.

What did the Chinese man say to his wife?

I'll chin you later.

Why can't orphans have sex?

They don't know who daddy is.

Wife: Honey! Do you like tea?

Husband: No, I like after "T"!

It means: the letter "U": you!

What instrument do people like to listen to while having sex?

A sex-a-phone.

"and i oop"

My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?

I only stuff the turkey.

What happens when two pieces of bread from the same loaf have sex?

They become in-bread.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

Saying balls go into pussy.

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Two gay lovers find out they are brothers.

When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.