Relationship jokes

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

I fucked your mom.

Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

What is happening? Which is better: being loved or being hated? State your answer.

My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.

We never met again.

Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted!

You and your mom.

Why can't an orphan go to a family reunion?

It has no family.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

Karens yell, I scream, my mum fucks me.

The kid's dad was a magician because he disappeared and never came back.

Friend: Hi, orphan.

Orphan: Tell me a yo momma joke.

Friend: ummm

Orphan: Exactly, U can't.

Friend: Yo momma so disappointed she left!

I lick cows for my mother.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."