Relationship jokes

If your best friend tells you that he's gay for you, what do you do? Tell him, "Oh, nice gay ass."

I like playing with Yoyos, because at least they always come back.

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

I just had sex.

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.

Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?

Because there was no chemistry...

So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.

I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.

Incest is wincest. (That was above.)

Fun for the whole family!

Next of kin, count me in!

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?

Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.

Guy 1: Don't you?

Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.

Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#

**Meow...**

Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3

Mum is the best!

What's the difference between a Lambo and a boner?

Your sister didn't give me a Lambo.

Your mom walked into another bar and broke all the furniture. Again.

Your mom walked into a bar and broke all the furniture.

I hate it when I accidentally eat out my dog, lol.

I f*** my dad. Please help me. 😭😭😭😭

Are you from Tennessee, because I eat ass.

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.