What wastes your money as you earn it?
Women.
Relationship Jokes
Women say men are trash.
Yet men made the phone, laptops, computer and electrical hardware she uses to say men are trash, never mind the electricity she uses to power those devices...
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.
His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
Hey.
Girl: Hey.
Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.
Girl: What?
It says "spray on flat surfaces."
I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
Orphan: I love abcdefu!
Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?
To get the ice cream for the grandma.
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."
Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
Heard the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
