Relationship Jokes

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.

Your entire family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in your family is such a prick.

America and UK are a joke.

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

Why can't I be gay? I have nobody to call "daddy."

What do you call an orphan selfie?

A family photo.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have nobody to call "Daddy~"

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

You're adopted, do you want to know why? Because you're so ugly.

Are there support groups for men?

Ryan, I laid out more jokes than you have crying about me!

Mom: Son, where are my condoms?

Son: What are condoms?

Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.

Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?

Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.

Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.