I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.
Wife: "You don't even have friends!"
I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"
I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3
Yo, little sister, pussy taste so GOOD on my TONGUE!
I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.
"Can we do 69?"
"How about we do 9/11 since we will crash together?"
My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!
My grandma said, "Hey, you want a Butterfinger cause I do?"
Me: Grandpa's in the kitchen if you want a finger.
You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?
"Love is a good thing, never be embarrassed by it."
I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
JACK AND JILL 2.0
After Jill went down the hill to get a pill,
Jack was screaming till his voice went nil,
And Jill screamed "Chill!"
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Rape isn't a joke.
It's a type of way of making friends and to mate with other women.
It's a way of art, and works on anybody!
Like this if you agree.
I was raised as an only child, which I think was hard for my brother.
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...
I saw a little girl crying, and I said, "Where are your parents?" That day, I got fired from the orphanage. 🤪
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀
