Put jokes
You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.
I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."
What do you call it when Hitler puts retards in the oven? Baked potatoes.
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.
A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to take Snoop Dogg for a walk.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to put Vin Diesel in her gas tank.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to mop the floor with Taylor Swift.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to ring Kristen Bell.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to skim Dwayne Johnson across a lake.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.
God creating bees.
God: "Put a needle on their butt."
Angel: "Come on, God, wha-"
God: "Make its puke delicious."
Angel: "WTF"
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Why did the silly girl put sugar under her pillow?
She wanted to have sweet dreams. 😂
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
I got kicked out of the library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.
Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.