What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
Put Jokes
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.
God creating bees.
God: "Put a needle on their butt."
Angel: "Come on, God, wha-"
God: "Make its puke delicious."
Angel: "WTF"
Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.
Friend: Why?
Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
Why did the silly girl put sugar under her pillow?
She wanted to have sweet dreams. 😂
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
Your hairline is so pushed back, it's looking like it got slapped up by Will Smith.
Yo mama so ugly, Itachi couldn't look at her to put her in a genjutsu.
I got kicked out of the library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.
I just got kicked out of the fucking library for putting the women's rights in the fiction section.
I got kicked out of a library because I put a book about women's rights into the fantasy section.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
