Put jokes

I’m reading a book about Anti-Gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

Well, a boy and a girl are in a bathtub together.

The little boy says, “Hey, you see that? I’m gonna go ask Daddy what it is.” When the little boy asks his dad, he says, “Well, son, that’s your car. You try to park it in a girl’s parking spot.”

As the boy runs back, he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama what her spot was and she said, “Well, that’s your parking spot. Never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back, the little boy tried to put the car in, well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, it's impossible to PUT DOWN!

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

How do you get a party started in Africa?

You put a slice of bread on the ceiling and everyone will be jumping.

What do you do when you see a lady in a wheelchair?

You grab a stick and put it through the wheelchair and call her nunchucks.

Some people put zodiacs on everything.

They said they couldn’t go to the party because of cancer.

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.

The time is 9:11, time to put your phones on airplane mode.

What does an Irish bowler put in his hands to guarantee a wicket next ball?

A bat.

Why does Saturn have a ring?

Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.

One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.

I once read a book on antigravity, it was impossible to put down.

What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.

Kid: Where do I put this paper?

Teacher: I already said go ask your neighbors.

Kid: Ok. *Walks home to his neighbor's house*

Kid: Hey neighbor, I didn't know where to put this paper, and my teacher said to ask you. Do you know?

Neighbor: No, sorry, I don't.

Kid: Okay, bye! *Kid walks back to school.*

Kid: Teacher, my next-door neighbor didn't know.

Teacher: Ugh, you went home?!

Kid: Yes, you told me to!

Teacher: I meant at school!

Kid: Ohhhhhh!

Teacher: Duh!

What is the difference between a retard and a zombie anyway?

They’re always hungry and shuffle around aimlessly, moaning... Oh, and it takes a bullet in the forehead to put them both down.

Uh!!!

You guys know the notes A Minor and D? I really like putting D in A Minor!

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.