Put jokes

Why does Saturn have a ring?

Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.

What does an Irish bowler put in his hands to guarantee a wicket next ball?

A bat.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, it's impossible to PUT DOWN!

How do you get a party started in Africa?

You put a slice of bread on the ceiling and everyone will be jumping.

Why are Mexican families so big?

They don’t know how to put a condom on.

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

I once read a book on antigravity, it was impossible to put down.

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face...

One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.

What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.

Kid: Where do I put this paper?

Teacher: I already said go ask your neighbors.

Kid: Ok. *Walks home to his neighbor's house*

Kid: Hey neighbor, I didn't know where to put this paper, and my teacher said to ask you. Do you know?

Neighbor: No, sorry, I don't.

Kid: Okay, bye! *Kid walks back to school.*

Kid: Teacher, my next-door neighbor didn't know.

Teacher: Ugh, you went home?!

Kid: Yes, you told me to!

Teacher: I meant at school!

Kid: Ohhhhhh!

Teacher: Duh!

What is the difference between a retard and a zombie anyway?

They’re always hungry and shuffle around aimlessly, moaning... Oh, and it takes a bullet in the forehead to put them both down.

Uh!!!

You guys know the notes A Minor and D? I really like putting D in A Minor!

God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

How do you confuse a fish?

Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Yo mama so fat, when she put on a yellow raincoat people see her and yell "Hey yo, taxi!"

How to make holy water:

1. Grab a pot.

2. Put water in it.

3. Set the stove to 420 degrees.

4. Boil the hell out of it.

I got kicked out of a library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.