Put jokes
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
I got kicked out of a library today because I put a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.
You call, I'm putting on.
Frank (34) DJ.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.
Does your shoe have a hole in it?
No.
Then how did you put your foot in it?
What do women and KFC have in common?
After you get done with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."
Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.
"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
How do you get a black girl to suck your meat?
Put barbecue sauce on it.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor tried to put her back in.
Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.
What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep?
He puts his PJ-Amazon!
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!
Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...
...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.