Put jokes

How do you blind an Irish woman?

You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.

Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor tried to put her back in.

Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

What do women and KFC have in common?

After you get done with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.

What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep?

He puts his PJ-Amazon!

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."

If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

When Kim Jong-un said "nuke the Chinese", he meant put the take away in the oven. Some simple misunderstandings start a war.

I got kicked out of a library today because I put a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.