What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
Put Jokes
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a lil' boogie in it ;)
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a square room and tell her to run in a circle.
I put peanut butter on my asshole so the dog would lick it, but instead I got bit by ants.
There once was a bear and a rabbit, and they hated each other.
The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a mystical talking tree. The tree said: “I can give you 3 wishes each if you will stop fighting!”
So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears inside the forest are ladies.” And all the bears within the forest became females.
The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet, and the bear looks at him funny.
The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the United States are ladies.” The wish was granted.
The rabbit says, “I wish I’ve a bike.” By this point, the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. The rabbit could wish for cash and have all the bikes in the world.
The bear says: “I wish all the bears inside the world are women.” The wish is granted.
While it’s the rabbit’s turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, and says: “I wish that bear is gay.”
8008135 is my favorite number.
The worst ratio is 6:9.
And last but not least, "Why was six afraid of seven?" Seven eight nine. But why was six with nine? Because when you put them together, you get 69. But why was six mad at nine? Because Nine eight six, too.
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.
A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."
Why did the plum put sugar under its pillow?
So it could have sweet dreams.
I once read a book on antigravity, it was impossible to put down.
Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?
A: Her dead fetus.
Q: What do priests have in common with McDonald's?
A: They both put their meat in 13-year-old buns.
Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore?
He didn't have the heart to put into it.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down!
I put glue in a man :)
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
OMG, I had a really good hand joke, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.
How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?
One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.
...just kidding-
- none. They can't change anything.
What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.
This is really mean...
A man put a blind man in a circular room and said, "Your dinner's in the corner."
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
