Puns
How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
This is an a-maze-ing joke!
Have you ever eaten a clock before? I heard it’s very time consuming.
I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
In our history class we were on our China unit and learning a little about gunpowder.
And I said "WOAH THAT'S LIT!"
I got shot once. Now I'm holey.
Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?
Because they don't have a Father's Day.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
I got banana nut bread for you.
Oh no, the nuts are missing!
Oh, I found them!
You know where they are?
UP YOUR BUTTHOLE!
What do you call a dwarf with ESP that escaped a prison?
A small medium at large.
What do you call a kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Why don't you act like an amoeba and split?
What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A cow with no front legs walking around?
Beef stroganoff.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have anty-bodies.
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive.
What did the green light say to the red light? - Don't look, I'm changing!
What's better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.