Puns
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.
What was the computer's best pickup line?
Nice bits!
Math puns are the first SINE of madness! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
How are urinals made?
They get installed.
I felt a window break once. It was pane-full!
What do you call a pickle sandwich?
A Big Mac!
I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.
They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."
What language do they speak in the middle of the earth?
CORE-ean
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
"Mice Krispies!"
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
Who do you call to clean up foul language?
A cuss-todian!
"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?"
"Because I was Russian!"
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
What kind of veggie is always getting itself into a hard situation?
A pickle.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
Person 1 says to Person 2: "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."
So Person 2 says to Person 1: "What's the name of his other leg?"
I got shot once. Now I'm holey.
My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!