I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
Dad: "Yes, we arson."
You’re Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?
European.
What's white and rhymes with Dre? Eminem.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
Rainbows top the class, as they always score with flying colors.
Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!
Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two Wrights make?
The first airplane.
Why was the man running around his bed?
Because he needed to catch up on his sleep!
What happens when a skeleton does not laugh at your pun?
Looks like someone's funny bone is broken. 😁
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
What do you call a cute door?
Adoorable.
What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.
Why did the orange go blind? Because he was low on vitamin C.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.
I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.
