Puns

When a cat gets a sibling, do they say, "Oh, shit! Another mew kid?!?!?!"

So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.

Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.

Everything is made in China, except babies... They are made in Vachina.

If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?

I'm Clueless.

By M. T. Head.

Why was the staircase so sad?

Because everyone walks on them.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

The DNA told the tailor that he couldn't find his genes.

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

Fishermen are the best at networking.

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

Sir, I mustache you a question...

Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.

What did Onett and Threed reply to their child?

"I love you Twoson."

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.

Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeno.

I was going to make a chemistry joke. But it looks like I won’t get a reaction :)

I had amnesia once... maybe twice.