Puns
Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quackhead.
Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."
Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"
Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"
Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."
Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"
Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
They are too big for “B” shells, and too small for “D” shells.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
What do you call a Chinese billionaire? Cha Ching.
Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
Lady: What did you do?
Man: I took a day off...
Why was the staircase so sad?
Because everyone walks on them.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."
What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
The Parrots of the Caribbean.
How does NASA organize a party? -- They planet.
First human comes.
Sans: That was pun intended.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.
Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.
My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
Because he kept on running out of the pen.
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.