Prison jokes
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
In jail, why is the white guy scarier than the black guy? Because the white guy actually did something.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.
Unless you are in prison.
I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.
Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.
...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Donβt start fights with the cops. - Donβt drop the soap. - Donβt run away from the cops.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
So Americans strongly worship Donald Trump, eh? Well, let's put that claim to the test by throwing him into the general population of Rikers Island.
What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?
I guess orange is the new black.
The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...
"Don't let your guard down."
Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Fatherβs Day.
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"
What happened to the man who made too many bad jokes? He served out a cruel and unusual PUNishment.
What's the scariest thing about white people in prison?
How rare they are.
Why did the prisoner run away?
To spit bars.
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
The warden is stronger than the ender dragon, but WHY IS IT NOT A BOSS?
(Doesn't have boss bar.)
Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.
I'd hit you, but if I did, I'd go to jail for animal abuse.