Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
Why did the Japanese NOT shoot down the American plane that was dropping atomic bombs?
From what their eyes saw, it was a piece of rice.
I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.
"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"
The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? "I feel really wiped."
When is a piece of wood made king?
When it's a ruler.
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.
What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?
You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
I wanted another piece of pizza... but she said I could only have One Piece.
Why is Kanye West's haircut actually years of work by many doctors to piece together skull fragments like a jigsaw puzzle?
Because Kanye once interrupted Chuck Norris on the set of "Walker Texas Ranger."
When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.
Q: What's the difference between a fetus and an onion?
A: One makes you cry when you chop it into pieces.
Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger went through the toilet paper.
I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.
Why is Jesus in pieces?
Because a one man band is Nine Inch Nails.
