Pet jokes
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
Why should you wrap your hamsters in duct tape?
So they don't explode when you f*** them.
How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.
How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank.
Because we couldn't afford a dog.
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.
Why?
The ducks keep trying to eat him.
Why would they do that?
Because he’s pure-bread.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a cat?
A: Cowacat
B: Mooore
C: Cowacatfood
My dog died. I'm so sad.
I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter; it ain’t coming to you.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
What did one cat say to the other? Happy "meow"!
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
I’ve two dogs and two cats, and they are all Democrats. They want a handout everyday.
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:
Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.
Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.
These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.
Only Ninety's kids know about this.
What do you do when your cat's not home?
Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter what you call it, 'cause it ain't gonna come to you.