Pet jokes
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.
I’ve two dogs and two cats, and they are all Democrats. They want a handout everyday.
A family had a very disobedient dog. It would bite the children’s hands when they pet the animal, the dog would piss on everything, and it would chew their shoes. This is why it was adopted.
Him: Hey girl, do you have pet insurance?
Her: Yes, why do you ask?
Him: Cuz I'm going to bang that pussy up!
Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!
What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?
A sourpuss.
How do you measure a dog's temperature?
In barking grade!
Why couldn't the annoying dog get on Papyrus's nerves?
HE'S A SKELETON. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY.
What do you call a rapper's pet?
A HIP-HOP-POTAMUS.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Can you walk the dog for me?
A black man entered a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "That looks exotic, where’d you get it?"
"Africa," the parrot responded.
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
1. Full name: John.
2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run.
3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream.
4. Sexual orientation: sexually disorientated.
5. Mental health: mentally retarded.
6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a screw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit.
7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named Redwing and the lizard named Notail.
8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock.
9. Working motivation: none.
I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John.
My friend went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in a crate.
He said it was a Shitzoo!
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
It doesn’t matter, it won’t come anyways.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter; it won’t come anyway.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.