Pet jokes

My dogs pooped in my shoes? Pooper.

Him: Hey girl, do you have pet insurance?

Her: Yes, why do you ask?

Him: Cuz I'm going to bang that pussy up!

What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?

A sourpuss.

A black man entered a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "That looks exotic, where’d you get it?"

"Africa," the parrot responded.

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

Why couldn't the annoying dog get on Papyrus's nerves?

HE'S A SKELETON. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY.

How do you measure a dog's temperature?

In barking grade!

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ken.

Ken who?

Can you walk the dog for me?

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

What soda do dogs drink? Pupsi.

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: You can't find your dog.

I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.

Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.

My friend went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in a crate.

He said it was a Shitzoo!

I once had a pet snake, exactly 3.14 meters.

He was a great πthon.

I was reading a book about an immortal dog, it was impossible to put down.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't f***ing matter, it's still not f***ing coming.

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.