Pet jokes
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.
Hi, I...
Sorry, my cat touched my computer. I don't know how to delete.
The joke is that if you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?
Sorry guys, it's a hard word to spell.
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.
"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"
I adopted a dog. It's gone now.
At least homeless people in China are not starving.
Joe Biden said he was going to a petting zoo.
Trump said schools are not petting zoos.
What time is it when you get home? Can you walk walk and a car and get home and get a walk home and get a dog 🐕? Today is the night I can drive.
I started crying when Dad began to cut onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
How do you know the baby's dead? The dog plays with it more.
What does a cat say when it's angry?
- Stop stressing meowt!
Little Johnny got a dog without ears, and then they invited their neighbors over. Then they asked what his name was. The owners said, "We didn't name him anything, because there's no reason. Because when we called his name, he wouldn't come."
What would you name your pet rabbit?
Harry.
When you can’t have Chinese food because you don’t have any pets,
just eat African food, you have plenty of neighbors!
God creates dog.
God: "You are man's best friend."
Dog: "That's pretty sexist."
God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"
Dog: "....."
God: "And chocolate kills you!"
Dog: "🐶"
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.
What looks like half a cat?
The other half.
Q: Why can kids relate to dogs?
A: They are noticed for 13 years, then left for no one to touch again.