Person jokes

Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

What is a self-harm person's favorite game?

Fruit Ninja.

I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

What do you call a person with no body and no nose? "Nobody knows."

I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?

A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.

What does a depressed person and a chicken have in common? They both try to fly.

Neither of them respect boundaries.

Tell an old person to pretend [they are] shaking salt in their mouth... you'll see!

You're the type of person to wash your hands after a shower.

What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?

The depressed person can scan themself.

What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?

One of them is a domesticated pet.

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

A person could build a playground with your mood swings.

It's sad someone has ligma.