A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.
I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"
And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Perform fellatio.
Hey y'all, you want to read something funny? Then look up "Greater Tuna" OID and read the script. It's the best. I'm performing it for an OID (Oral Interpretation of Drama) and it kicks ass. Check it out. Also, the name I'm using is my Roblox Username. Friend me.
John Wilkes Booth, to his fiancee: "I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theater."
Fiancee: "Break a leg!"
I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.
A seizure is just an excuse for break dancing.
Why did the actor fall through the floor?
He was just going through a stage!
What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
The magician has a cunning array of stunts!
These three men wanted to start a band. One had the idea to call them the Rolling Stones, one wanted to call them the Veggies, the other said, "Let's be the Cripples," as they all rolled away.
Family are together playing charades.
Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!
Do you know how I lost my music teacher job?
I tried to hit G by putting D.
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
Did you hear about the gay choirboy?
He choked on his first hymn.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboard?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?
Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.
Watching porn.
Watching porn blow my dick like a basset horn.
