Why did the snail paint a big “S” on his car? Because he wanted people to say look at that S car go when he rolled by.

What’s the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don’t get angry when you toss a salad.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.

They say people are 75% water But I’m 100% useless

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.” Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.’”

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

whats one thing gay people can’t draw? a straight line.

There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.” The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

What is the similarity between a joke and food?

Some people just don’t get them!

what do depressed people and Apple’s have in common?

they both hang from trees

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa, I asked “Why is it because he gives people presents?” Jimmy told me “No it’s because I hear so many good things about him but and how he’s gonna come home, but never see him.”

yo momma so fat that when she crossed the road people mistook her for a roundabout.

A girl and dog get dropped off at an orphanage why was she crying before she went in Because the people came back for their dog

You know people always say your life is worth it, but with me it’s worth-it-less

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