People jokes

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.

But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

Why can't depressed people leave the maze?

Because their lives are the walls and they are too scared to meet the exit.

Some people think incest jokes are funny.

I just think it's all relative.

Best way to stop a fight between deaf people?

Just turn off the lights.

What do suicidal people do in their spare time? Hang out.

What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?

Ashtraynauts.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

Teacher: Why do people snore?

Me: Because they sleep.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

Kid: Licks money.

Mom: Hey, don’t lick the money. It is dirty.

Kid: Is that why they call people filthy rich?

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those that know binary and those that don't.

A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."

A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."

<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*

Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

They say people are 75% water.

But I'm 100% useless.

I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.