There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.” The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”

Why do people want emo grass? Beacause it’ll cut itself.

I hate 2 faced people because I don’t know which face to slap first.

Why were the people in the twin towers sad? They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane.

suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry

A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? – People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are

whats one thing gay people can’t draw? a straight line.

Why can’t depressed people leave the maze?

Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

They say people are 75% water But I’m 100% useless

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: The moon landing was faked! So unbelievable fake! Me: You believe in the moon? Stupidass.

People are making end of the world jokes, like there’s no tomorrow.

Why don’t blind people skydive? – Because it scares their dogs too much!

Why do people not play uno with Mexicans… because they are always stealing the green cards