What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father in law

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb it takes two but don’t ask me how they get inside

So. You wanna hear a joke about the wall? …Actually nah you won’t get over it

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”

You know, most people take rocks for granite… sorry

Dead people jokes are the best there ground breaking.

johnny was watching TV when you hear them say bitch and bastards so he ask hes dad “what is a bitch and bastard.” dad say “a bitch is a female and a bastard is a mail.” then johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say ass and shit so he ask hes dad what shit and ass means dad says “a shit is shaving creme like what i’m putting on my face and ass is a coat why don’t you bug your mom.” so johnny goes back to the TV and then they say fuck so johnny ask his mom what fuck means mom says "fuck means carving like doing to the turkey then a few minutes later Johnny hears a knock on the door so he answers it he then says “welcome bitch and bastard may i tack your ass” the people then ask wear hes parents are johnny says "my dad is putting shit on hes face and my mom i fucking the turkey.

Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby we didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that

When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.

What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate

A Horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path. Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.

I’ve just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.

When deaf people people see someone yawning do they think their screaming

surely people would consider putting pedals on wheelchairs so that they’re arms don’t get tired…

When you are suicidal comedic relief sometimes helps. These jokes sometimes help you realize how many more people feel the way you do and how ridiculous it sounds sometimes.

But joke time…

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life… it’s not you … it’s me!!!

Doctor : what makes you feel depressed? Me: I used to work at the word trade centre, before the plane hit. Doctor: a lot of people fell to pieces after that.

so if the reason people used to hang women because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung would they be called wizards?

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

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