People jokes
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
How many skinny people can fit in a tub? I don't know; they keep slipping down the drain.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:
"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."
There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.
Anyone want a free pizza? Because you liking a pizza with toppings that not many people enjoy allows you to eat the entire guilt free pizza, that they said they didn't want and everyone already offered you a slice of.
Why did Hitler never go to a strip club?
Because he hated the Poles!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.
WHERE DO THEY REALLY GO BECAUSE WATER CAN NOT BE AT THE TOP OF A HILL!?. I honestly think that only people with a physics degree can make nursery rhythms.
Treon: I don't care about Vorkie.
Amber: You should, she could be a great person for the company.
Treon: We don't need another one, we got 100 people in here, no need. Now, Amber, please just go make yourself useful.
Amber: Fine!!!!!
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”
Let’s try and make this joke the most liked and commented on this website. (Ps, you may need to say it out loud to get it.)
I went to a zoo and there were no people and there was one dog. It was a shih tzu.
Why are Indian people bad at Monopoly?
Because whenever they hit the corner, they build a shop.
If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.
Why do people play basketball?
Because they want to learn how to suck balls.
Why did the people get a chicken?
To make eggs.
I told people your mom is also known as "MBD" because you're a mega baby dispenser.
What's the difference between an orphan and a pencil?
People actually have a use for one of them.
What do black people and sports cars have in common?
Getting a noise complaint for being so loud.
Some people think emo jokes are funny, but I think it can cut both ways.