Penaldo

Penaldo jokes

Grandfather

    • I was born and raised in Newcastle.

    My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

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    • Day

    • On the 12th day of Christmas Peo Pessi gave to me:

    12 tap ins

    11 pointless dribbles

    10 fixed league titles

    9 missed penalties

    8-2

    6 dives

    500 million robbed from Barca

    4 UCL semi losses

    3 times he blamed Higuain

    2 retirements

    And a transfer to a farmers league.

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    • Song

    • Penaldo song 🎵🎵🎵

    He has conquered all the Farmers. He is never going to stop. From Lithuania down to Andorra, He has scored a fucking lot. Penalties and Tapins, The Fields of Faroe Islands, He is our GOAT, And his name is Cristiano Columbus. Allez, Allez, Allez Allez, Allez, Allez

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    • Job

    • I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

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    • Fraud

    • I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.

    Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.

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    • Creature

    • I was at a farm in France called ‘Uber eats Farmer league’, then I saw a strange creature called ‘Pessi’. He only appears against farmers.

    He ran towards to me, I didn’t know what I should do so I decided to shout “Big games! Big games!“ Pessi scurried away.

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    • Laptop

    • I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.

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    • Visa

    • I am crying tears of joy rn.😭 I was wrongfully denied my visa. ☠️ They took me to the Q&A section, that I needed to answer one simple question for my visa to be granted.

    The question was the original synonym of Bench. I shakily answered "Pristiano Penaldo" 😭. I was right guys ✅🛫

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    • Step

    • How to improve my beloved Penchester United in 5 easy steps:

    1. Sell Casemeiro 🤑 2. Sell Pernandes 🤑 3. Sell Bencho 🤑 4. Sell Trashford 🤑 5. Terminate penaldo 🤑 6. Make Mctominay extend his deal 📝

    These came down deep from my heart. Don’t let me down again, please.

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    • Penalty

    • MISSING MISSING!!! 😢😢

    NAME: PRUNO PENANDES 👍🤝

    MISSING: 27/6/21 VS BELGIUM 🤔🤔

    LAST SEEN: DIVING AT OLD TRAFFORD, CRYING TO REFEREES🤬😿

    POSSIBLE LOCATIONS: PENALTY SPOT🥅

    "GIVE ME PENALTY”🤬🤬

    "I ONLY STATPAD AGAINST FARMERS MY FRIEND"😁😁

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    • Penalty

    • 🎵Penaldo Thrills🎵

    C’mon c’mon turn the VAR on.

    It's Penalty time and it won't be long.

    Gotta dive and cry some more.

    It's Penalty time and it won't be long.

    ‘Til I Hit the floor and dive alot.

    Cry some more and dive alot. That all I need, because I got u my love, Penalty.

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    • Asthma

    • I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

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    • Dinosaur

    • I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!

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    • Penalty

    • I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

    Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

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    • Contract

    • ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

    Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

    Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

    Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

    I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

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    • Penalty

    • I left Twitter for a while, and when I tried to log back in, I found out I was suspended. I realized it was a penalty for saying some prohibited words on Twitter.

    Sadly, my idol Pristiano Penaldo took the penalty for me and he missed, and now I'm on my alt. Shame on you, Penaldo!

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    • Math

    • Learn math the easiest way from Pendu.

    Multiplying any number by 0 is 0 itself.

    Hint: Multiplying any number by Pendu's G/A in 2022 is 0 itself.

    The answer is 0.

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