Owned jokes

Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?

Answer: Insider trading.

Just think, when we're getting fucked, we make our own food.

I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.

Why can’t you take a Black Asian guy golfing? Because he can’t drive and can’t find his own balls.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

How did Jesus become self-sovereign?

He screws himself and becomes his own creator.

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.

Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.

After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?

So that he could design his own “website.”

A student got a bad letter grade, so the next day he came back with his own letter grade in his backpack: an A-K47.

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

What do gay guys and priests have in common?

They are both gay in their own ways.

A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.

The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.

Normal people: I'm my own nationality.

Michael Jackson: Click here to change nationality.

When I went to the basketball pitch, I saw a man dribbling his own balls.

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

What's the difference between three dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't own a Ferrari.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."