Owned jokes

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

My dad died, so I dug his grave. I was asked why I murdered him. I answered, "Guess we'll never know who did it because he dug his own grave." My father was William Afton.

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.

The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!

Joe Biden doesn’t follow his own f**king mask mandate.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: "You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code!"

Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to smell her own nose.

Yo, hairline go so far back they got their own fashion type.

Which dog is owned by a kid called "Charlie Brown," raps, and smokes?

Snoopy Dog.

I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.

Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity.

But she so ugly people are repelled by her.

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?

The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."

Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?

For all the planes who are flying alone, you're not dying on your own.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

What is an oven that you don’t own? Nacho oven.