Owned Jokes

Why are fish easy to measure?

Because they bring their own scales.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

Japanese people are so cool and organized, they have their own ways of suicide.

The image shows a split comparison. In the top half, a cruise ship is moving through calm water, and the text says, "Doing tutorial." In the bottom half, a person is struggling to stand on a paddleboard in the middle of the ocean, holding an umbrella for balance. The text above reads, "Whatever the fuck I'm trying to do on my own."

Why didn’t the bike stand on its own?

It was too tired.

Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."

Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."

Classroom: *visible panic*

What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? -- A pimp.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.