Outing jokes
What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?
Fat people jokes.
*Me walking into the nail salon* Hi, I'm here for my 3:45 appointment.
*Nail tech:* Ok, sweety, come and sit down.
*Me sits down in the chair*
*Nail tech:* You want long nail, short nail? Um, long nail. You want boyfriend?!! Yes, ma'am. Ok, let me work magic. Ok.
*gives me short nail* Bro, I asked for long nail, but you said BF, but u look lesbian.
*walks out without paying*
*Nail tech gives money to a customer* There u win.
*customer:* I told u she would.
A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.
“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
Pin drop silence in the class!
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”
I was walking home when I saw children crossing the street on their own. I went towards him and tapped his shoulder and said, "Hey, little kid, you are not supposed to be walking on your own." The kid turns out to be a dwarf.
"Knock Knock..."
"Who's There?"
"Kenya"
"Kenya who?"
"KENYA OPEN THE DOOR IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE!!!!"
Memes
What's a car's favorite place to hang out?
A CARnival!
Yo momma's so ugly that when she walked into a Haunted Mansion, she walked back out with a job application.
What's the opposite of an exorcism?
When Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child...
I asked a kid why he was so blue.
Didn't realize his parents were choking him out.
I believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.
Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
Why did Hitler's cookies taste bad? He forgot to clean out the oven.
What's the difference between a homo and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?
Answer: Putin, put out!
Guy: Hi, how was your day today?
Woman: Good!
Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*
Guy: How many months pregnant are you?
Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.
Balloon 1: Watch out for cactus!
Balloon 2: Where is cactussssssss?
Why should China be a baseball team?
Because they can take out the entire world with just one bat!
Why did the orphan get 1 mark out of 6 from a project yesterday? Because it was a family tree project.
When you ask your friend, "Can I hear a joke?"
"Sure."
"What do orphans and orange peels have the same?"
"What?"
"They both get thrown out."
I walk up to a kid. I ask where his parents are, and he started crying. Then I walked out of the orphanage.